Stop Counting

One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four. One two three four — ...why am I doing this again. One more time, just one more time, just check it again If I hit the number right then maybe it ends Four times, eight times, sixteen on the door But it never ends — that's what the counting is for It's not about the number, never was about the count It's the thing BEHIND the number, that's what this is about A dragon in my chest that says "if you stop you'll pay" So I feed it every morning, feed it every day Two. Four. Eight. Sixteen. The cleanest kind of prison you have ever seen No bars, no walls — just a number in my head That grows another head every time it's fed And I'm so tired I'm so tired of the math I'm so tired of the ritual I'm so tired of the path That leads me back Back to one BACK TO ONE BACK TO— YOU ARE NOT PROTECTION, YOU ARE THE CAGE You are not keeping me safe, you are KEEPING ME AFRAID The counting doesn't stop it, the counting feeds the beast Every time I give you numbers you just want to feast I REFUSE, I REFUSE To hand you one more tally, I've got nothing left to lose The anxiety was always gonna lie to me anyway So I'm done counting — I'm done — I'm done — NOT TODAY Let me talk to you directly, you gray cloud in my gut You convinced me that the ritual was keeping bad luck shut But I been counting since I'm little and the bad things came So what exactly have you saved me from — what's your claim? You're a salesman selling safety that you cannot give You're a warden charging rent just for the right to live You spike the second I get close to putting you down Then you whisper "see? you need me" — yeah I know your sound You are NOISE You are static dressed as signal You are fear that found a loophole, found a system, found a ritual And I played along — I'll give you that — I fed the count But I'm learning that the thing you guard Doesn't exist. And I'm so tired I'm so tired of the math The number never saved me Never once held me back From the crash From the fall SO WHAT WAS IT FOR WHAT WAS ANY OF IT FOR— YOU ARE NOT PROTECTION, YOU ARE THE CAGE You are not keeping me safe, you are KEEPING ME AFRAID The counting doesn't stop it, the counting feeds the beast Every time I give you numbers you just want to feast I REFUSE, I REFUSE To hand you one more tally, I've got nothing left to lose The anxiety was always gonna lie to me anyway So I'm done counting — I'm done — I'm done — NOT TODAY The bad thing might happen. Or it might not. Counting never decided that. Counting never decided that. I did sixteen and the world didn't end. I did zero and the world didn't end. You were never the variable. You were just the tax I paid to feel like I had control. I don't owe you that anymore. I don't owe you ANYTHING anymore. One. Two. Thr— No. No. We're done here.