Compulsion

There it is again. That pull. That itch under my skin that thinks it runs me. Nah. Here you come crawlin' up my spine again Whisperin' like you're some kind of medicine "Just do it once, just do it, you'll feel better then" Shut your mouth — I know where that road ends You dress yourself up like a need I got Like if I don't feed you I'm gonna rot But I've been down that hallway, I know that drop You ain't relief — you're just a different kind of stop You hit like static, feel like broken glass A second of quiet and then it comes back fast So I'm not chasin' you — I'm lettin' you pass You don't own my hands, you don't own my past I feel you, yeah — I FEEL you Screamin' in my chest like something's due But feeling you doesn't mean I do what you want me to I am not your hostage Not today, not today You don't get to steer me, get OUT OF MY WAY I know what you are — you're a liar in disguise A fire that dies the second that I don't comply Not today, not today I name you, I claim you, I watch you decay The urge is loud but I am LOUDER I am the wall and you are the powder You spike when I'm empty, spike when I'm full You don't care about me — you just want the pull A reflex, a glitch, a trick in my brain Not a truth, not a need — just electrical pain So I clock you like a fighter clocks a jab I see you comin', I don't have to grab I can sit inside the itch and not scratch I've done it before and I'm keepin' that track They said "surf the wave" — I said I'll do better I'll stand on the wave and write you a letter: Dear urge, you are not me, you never were You're just weather passing through — and I'm the earth I feel you, yeah — I FEEL you But you've lied to me enough times, I see through And the version of me that just lets you run through? She's done, she's gone She's done, she's gone Not today, not today You don't get to steer me, get OUT OF MY WAY I know what you are — you're a liar in disguise A fire that dies the second that I don't comply Not today, not today I name you, I claim you, I watch you decay The urge is loud but I am LOUDER I am the wall and you are the powder You want me to move? I'm gonna stand still. You want me to break? Watch me build. You feel like the whole world but you're three minutes wide. I will wait you out. I have waited you out before. And I will still be here when you're gone. And you WILL be gone. Three minutes. Five minutes. Ten. You always end. You ALWAYS end. And I'm still here. Still here. Still HERE. Not today — not tomorrow — not ever again running me I am the one who lives in this body ME.